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This page is dedicated to the
idea that missionaries as much as anything else need a sense of humor.
This is a sampling of stuff from myself and from around the net.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask the patient to
empty the bathtub."
OK, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to
the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose
the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
* * *
I'll Have the Same
"A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
* * *
Pearls of Wisdom 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall
out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease
to be amused.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake
when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Bubba and Junior
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're
supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six
inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a
dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the
length."
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after
I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
An Aging Pirate
An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about
his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg,
hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might
want to check it out before retiring."
So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.
"How did you lose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.
"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the
boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg."
Replied the pirate.
"OK", said the clerk, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the
boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me
hand."
The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the
patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost your eye?
"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the
high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it
pooped in
me eye."
"You don't loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.
"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.
Low IQ Hints
Someone may be short of green matter if he/she: Spends twenty
minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said
concentrate.
Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup
his mind.
Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
Sends a fax with a stamp on it.
Tries to drown a fish.
If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get
change.
Thinks socialism means partying.
Trips over a cordless phone.
Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he
put Sagittarius."
Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Studies for a blood test and fails.
Invents a solar powered flashlight.
Sells the car for gas money.
Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.
Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.
Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
left", he turned around and went home. ********* Q:
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
The First 3 Years of Marriage
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens.
- In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I
am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman
who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but
when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution,
just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find
the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very
much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
What do you get when you cross ice cubes and house
shoes?
Slippers.
*
Why is the restaurant business on the beach so
bad?
The waitresses are all crabby.
*
What do you get when you cross a lisp with a
ladle?
a thpoon.
*
We were so poor that our house leaked so bad when
it rained we had to go outside to stay dry.
*
We were so poor that the rats set traps for us.
*
Q: How many
liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to
screw it in and four to screw it up.
*
Q: How many cops
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It
turned itself in.
A: One, but he's
never around when you need him.
A: Three, one to
do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's
over, nothing
left to see here, folks, move along."
*
Q: How many pro
football players does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two, one to
do it and one to recover the fumble.
*
Q: How many
dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.
*
Q. How many
psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. But
it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really want
to change.
*
GREAT TRUTHS
ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not messing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 25 success is . . . having a job.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having a job.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 90 success is . . . not messing in your pants.
*
If at first you don't succeed, call 911 fast.
*
Different kinds of poop.
"Warning" This is funny as all get out but some people may not find it in
good taste. CLICK HERE
. Overheard: "My
great grandfather came to Canada seeking freedom. It
didn't work.
My great grandmother came over on the very next boat."
. A man was
walking through a forest pondering life. He walked,
pondered,
walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even
close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God
would listen.
So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God
replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man
stopped and pondered some more.
He looked
towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to
you?"
God replied,
"Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to
you."
So the man
continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then
he looked to
the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars
to you?"
And God
replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million
dollars to
you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a
value it is so
little."
The man looked
down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and
said, "God,
can I have a million dollars?"
And God
replied, "In a second."
. A Sunday
School teacher, hard up for subjects to talk about, was
discussing
with her class how Noah might have spent his time on the
ark. A girl
volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
A boy
countered, "With only two worms?"
. Medical Terms:
(Jeff Foxworthy)
Artery = The
study of fine paintings
Barium = What
you do when CPR fails
Benign = What
you are after you be eight
Caesarean
Section = A district in Rome
Dilate = To
live long
Fester =
Quicker
GI Series =
Soldiers' baseball games
Hangnail = A
coat hook
Medical Staff
= A doctor's cane
Minor
Operation = Coal digging
Morbid = A
higher offer
Nitrate =
Lower than the day rate
Node = Was
aware of
Outpatient = A
person who has fainted
Post-operative
= A letter carrier
Protein = In
favour of young people
Tumor = An
extra pair
Urine =
Opposite of you're out
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
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